your kids grow up, they just aren't into it that much anymore, and when your financial situation is a persistent thorn in your side, and you see those gifts you haven't even paid off yet going into a thrift store bag, it's disheartening to say the least.

I struggled to find the joy that everyone else seemed to have this time of year. When your grown children can't make it home from far away, I really don't know how to express how much I didn't even care.

Plus, being the conspiratorial person that I am, I knew this wasn't even near when the Messiah was actually born. Our commercialized months-long event is increasingly looking more and more like the paganism that has infiltrated this "holiday" (aka holy day) with all of it's symbolism.

But, I almost always still enjoyed the decorating. The decorating was just something that fed a desire to be creative I guess.

And over the years, I've collected a few manger scenes here and there. None of them were of great expense, but they all have some sort of significance behind them.

There's one my mom sewed, one that was my grandmas, a Fisher Price Little People version and even a Bengali one I found at a fair trade even one year. There's even a tiger and elephant standing in for donkey and sheep. But my all-time favorite is the 1970's kitschy version my grandma made from old towels, papier mache' and complete with gawdy 1970's costume jewelry. It's my favorite because I remember watching her with utter fascination as she hand crafted these with great joy.

There's that word again. Why couldn't I find my joy?

Then 2023 hit, and I finally had mostly healed from my two knee replacements. I could keep up with my family for the first time in years, and I think I dove in headlong, at least more so than in recent years...I baked almost all month. All of the neighbors on this end of my street got cookies, fudge, and mints.

I decided to try to buy my now adult children practical things or at least things that would let them know I see who they have become, and like them the way they are. But I also dove into the idea of filling stockings like I don't think I ever had before. They noticed and not every gift was received with the well-meaning intent behind it, but I had fun. I think they did too.

Okay, so now there might have been a glimmer of joy.

But we're just a few days away...and I honestly sit here, having had one of the most emotionally challenging and spiritually trying years I've ever had. If you've known me for any amount of time, you know that's saying something.

I've had my fair share of tests and trials.

But this was the first one that I honestly couldn't work hard out of it. Leaning into my own strength, endurance, and talent wasn't fixing this. And when I started my online business in July of this year, I thought it was going to be one of the easiest ways to make money that I'd ever had.

Boy, was I wrong!

But what I found instead was a God, a Saviour, and a Great Comforter who has peeled back even more layers...finding underneath a New Creation...that for some reason I just never fully understood how that could happen.

This is a God that was yoking Himself to me and saying, "I'm here! Please do NOT carry this alone." He knew I still had a long way to go, so many things to work on, but gave me a vision, a hope, AND a future. One where He delighted in giving me good gifts. He gave me one of the most, if not THE most beautiful, loving gift of understanding just exactly HOW MUCH He enjoys me.

And all along, there sat a manger scene. Several years ago, I read someone say they left one out all year so they were always reminded that God is literally with us. In some ways, I needed that visual reminder this year more than ever. But in other ways, I didn't need it at all.

Because I don't know if I've ever quite experienced Him and His ever-present Spirit like I have since July of this year. At least, it's been a long time since I felt Him this near. I know that's a reflection upon where I have been and not Him!

There literally is not enough time to write out how hard this year has been...but also how blessed.

We had our first grandson, Elior Benjamin. And as much as I love him, enjoy him, and would spend every day with him if I could...what I was completely unprepared for was the JOY I have had watching my son become a Papa!

There's that word again!

My tears well up just thinking about it. Seeing the look of love, pride, and adoration on MY son's face, when he is look at HIS son, is something that has taken my breath away more than once. And the thing is, Elior hasn't done anything, except be himself. That's precisely why his Papa loves him.

And that's why I love his Papa, and why my Father loves me.

I just show up as I am. My Abba guides me, teaches me, carries EVERY weight with me, not just the heavy ones. There's been a lot of letting go this year and I know there's still a lot more to come. I feel it is on it's way.

And that's what brings me joy THIS year. I've actually had considerable sadness the last few weeks. I believe it's because letting go and saying goodbye are difficult...even when we know we're saying that goodbye to something that is not good for us. It's been familiar and now we feel a little raw in the places where it has detached from us.

But I am confident that I'm finally on a path to deep, abiding joy...not just this season, but for the rest of my Journey...however long that is.

I don't want to leave you thinking I've never experienced joy. I have. Often, in fact. It's just that change is hard and when you're life doesn't look anything like you thought it would, sometimes because of choices you have made or others have made for you...trying to get your life back onto the path God had for you can be a tough row to hoe.

But I am 100% confident that I don't hoe it alone. I never have...and that is now where I find my joy.

No. Matter. What. Comes. Next.